Agitator Buys AFP, DMANF and IoF. Bans PowerPoints.
In a pre-dawn move that caught both your Editors totally unaware, the Global Investment Committee of The Agitator announced the acquisition of three of the largest fundraising associations in the world.
With the promise that news of additional acquisitions will follow shortly, Lord McKeever R. Hamilton, IV, Chair of the Investment Committee promised immediate and major changes at the Association of Fundraising Professionals, Direct Marketing Association’s Nonprofit Federation and the U.K’s Institute of Fundraising.
“For starters”, noted Lord Hamilton, “we’ll first tackle what the investors consider the Number One Barrier to truly great global fundraising – the crying need for fundraising pros who speak with a proper British accent.”
A confidential memo left behind by a careless member of the legal team indicated that the Resource Alliance along with associations in Germany, the Netherlands, Australia and New Zealand have also been targeted for near-term acquisition.
Financial markets reacted to news of the $4 billion deal with shock, with one analyst terming it a “bizarre” transaction. “Like an Easter Egg Hunt Gone Rogue” roared the Financial Times … ”Wacko, Wacko, Wacko” screamed the Wall Street Journal. “Makes perfect sense to me; I want in”, said Donald Trump in an early morning Tweet.
Here at the news desk Tom and I commiserated. With face buried in his hands Tom moaned beyond consolation: “There goes my pension fund.”
Fortunately, our crack global Investigative-Undercover-We’ll-Get-To-Truth-Someday Team quickly figured out the transaction and what it means to conference-going fundraisers everywhere.
The undisclosed amount of the purchases (informally estimated at US$4.0 billion) will be recovered with substantial ROI as follows:
ITEM: The CFRE title will be honored (honoured) but will require an annual renewal certification fee of US$1,000. More exotic titles will carry a higher tariff.
ITEM: Conference registrations will be handled through a Universal Fleece Them Utility (UFTU) registration mechanism that requires conference attendees to book registrations, airline reservations and hotel rooms on the same site. No Early Bird Discounts.
ITEM: However, a substantial discount will be offered for presentations that have been shown more than 6 times over the past 4 years. They’ll be free and available online forever. As a special, new feature, holograms of the presenters will accompany them. The presenters will be charged $1,000 a year for their holograms.
ITEM: No Power Points with more than 5 slides will be permitted for any session scheduled after 2016. Apparently this was the only “deal breaker” in the negotiations.
ITEM: Exhibitors will be required to limit the contents of goodie bags to 700 grams and must serve decent food meeting all dietary fashions.
SPECIAL FEATURE: In a somewhat strange, but fascinating development, the investors announced a special arrangement with Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum for a gallery of all-time favorite (favourite) presenters. Although a slim majority of the most popular conference presenters still have a pulse we think this is an especially nice feature.
We haven’t had much time to digest all this, but in reading the fine print, here’s what we think are the downsides of the requirements imposed on conferences by this new onslaught of acquisitions.
- Conference registrants must demonstrate the ability to speak and read British. (Ability to write British is optional.)
- A ‘No doping’ policy will apply to all plenary session speakers, enforced through random testing. Workshop leaders will be exempt from this policy given their obvious need for stimulants and out of respect for attendees.
- A “Be Smart” intelligence test and financial deposit will be required upon registration. A test to determine what participants have learned and how many sessions they actually attended will be administered at Exit Registration and deposits refunded at conference end if requirements are properly met.
- Envelope and print sales people must keep a distance of 100 meters from venue entrances and stay in different hotels than other conference attendees.
- Data vendors may exhibit only between 1 and 4 a.m.
- There will be no alcohol sold within 3 miles of the conference sites, although BYOB is still permitted if consumed discreetly.
- Keeping in mind the ubiquity of smartphone and tablet cameras, no abusive language may be directed at or used about donors, even in absentia.
We’ll update you later with further details as soon as we get out of our next “How To Speak British” lesson.
Roger and Tom
10 responses to “Agitator Buys AFP, DMANF and IoF. Bans PowerPoints.”
Behavioral Science Q & A
Integrating an individual giving appeal with other communications from a charity can have both positive and negative effects, and the outcome largely depends on how it’s executed. Advantages of Integration Brand Consistency: Maintaining a consistent appearance and messaging across all communications can reinforce the org’s brand identity and strengthen brand recognition and trust among your […]
Read Full Answer
I’m not aware of any in-market tests specifically comparing recurring vs. gift frequency language. I suspect the answer might not be the same with all gift frequencies, nor with all people. It sounds like a great opportunity for you to test and find out what works for your audience. Based on the literature, here’s a couple […]
Read Full Answer
Based on what we know from existing data, those renewal notices can actually be pretty effective in getting people to donate. They tap into our psychology – creating a sense of urgency, reminding us of past support, and using personalization to make the message hit home. They’re playing on our natural tendencies to feel obligated […]
Read Full Answer
Interesting question. I had a quick look at the testing done on this topic. On the positive side, in all cases, over half of donors decide to cover the fee. In some cases, it goes as high as 65%. Not a negligible percentage at all. Here’s another test from iRaiser showing consistent results (see point […]
Read Full Answer
There’s just one thing to consider when designing a supporter journey: the supporter. More specifically, you need to take into account: Who the supporter is i.e. their identity, which is the reason they support this cause, and their personality, which describes the way they “see” and process the world. These will determine the kind of […]
Read Full Answer
I’m not an expert in this but a quick search surfaced this article on the effect of tax reforms on 2019’s charitable giving. The researchers didn’t find a reduction. Actually, they observed an “increase in charitable contributions in 2019, even with the lower tax rates and the dramatically smaller number of taxpayers who itemize their […]
Read Full Answer
LOL!
Thank you! My slide decks will live in infamy! hahahahahahahhahaha
Gents, I enjoyed your April Fools Day post. You’ve demonstrated that it’s perfectly fine to be a fundraising professional and still have a sense of humor. We all need to be able to laugh at ourselves and our profession from time to time.
By the way, your PowerPoint comment particularly resonated with me. Here’s a true story: I’ve delivered many fundraising final reports to nonprofit boards. On one occasion, I was all set with my PowerPoint presentation. As I greeted board members upon their arrival, one of them saw the PowerPoint set-up and said, “Uh-oh, somebody has bad news for us.” I asked him, “Why do you think so?” He pointed to the screen and said, “If someone has good news, he doesn’t need PowerPoint. He only needs it if he’s delivering bad news.” After the board member moved out of ear-shot, I leaned over to the VP of Development and told him I wouldn’t be using the PowerPoint after all. The board meeting went superbly. PowerPoint can be useful, but it can also get in the way.
Cheers!
Roger/Tom,
While still digesting the seismic impact of these gargantuan changes (mere adjectives seem pitifully inadequate at this time) yet with no initial aversion to welcoming the majority of them, there’s one line in this proclamation that will strike to the very heart of unacceptability with some stalwarts of our beleaguered profession.
It’s the British language thing.
Where will this leave us, the Scots, who despite our nation’s diminutive size and its people’s general aversion to self-serving or self-promotion, have given the world of fundraising so much? What about the likes of Andrew Watt, Bernard Ross, Alan Clayton and dare I say it, yours truly (plus hordes of other fine Scottish fundraisers of both genders, too numerous to mention)? Where will they be, in this new Utopia?
I know you Americans with your fickle, fragile loyalty to the Motherland perpetually struggle to appreciate the nuances of the language that we so generously bequeathed you. As history shows it was the Scottish enlightenment that first civilised the English so they could civilise the rest of the world, and it was the Scottish thin red line that cemented the military achievements of England’s global empire-building just as, centuries later, we did with fundraising.
Reading English British we can do, of course. But suggesting we’ll have to speak it as well is taking human rights abuse a step too far.
I urge a rethink, please. Should not all fundraising presentations, recently freed from the tyranny of PowerPoint, henceforth be required to be delivered in broad Highland Scots?
Aww Jimmy and Jock, wid that no be braw?
Love it Tom and Roger….Jolly good show (to be said with and English …not British accent as Laird Burnett’s accent may well be British but with a different brogue to mine). As his Lairdship states above it is those kilt wearing Scots who really run the fundraising world. Indeed they meet in a secret coven in the highlands run by Laird Clayton most years and commit cruel crimes against humanity to a poor haggis which requires copious qualtities of whisky to keep their guilt at bay
We are indeed many fundraising nations divided by a common language.
Bring back overhead projectors…come the revolution comrades!!!
Okay. I’m slow. I’m reading and thinking there are some damn good points and I hope that the organizations and their people are paying attention. Then I read Michael Rosen’s first item…. About April 1. I’m a fool. I’m never ready for April Fool’s Day.
And if you’d lost power for 4 hours yesterday…. And had a high-end generator that runs everything including Simone’s evening television…. But couldn’t make it work because your household (Tom and Simone) are too stupid to do maintenance well…. And just repledged last night that you would do maintenance better, especially of the generator…Since your offices are in the home and you can’t do business without power….
So now the thought is….”We’re so bad at maintenance that we shouldn’t be allowed to own a home.”
I would like to note, as several people have….. That some of the items belong on the forever list, not the April Fool’s List…. And I suspect that Messieurs RC et TB know full well….
As chair-elect of AFP, I am relieved that your take-over of our association likely means that I am off the hook. Time for a vacation and language lessons in the UK, or maybe Scotland?
Enjoyed this post. Thanks for the laughs today. I really love that you both are so passionate about this industry and growing our expertise in it, but lighthearted and so witty at times too.
Will be brushing up on my ability to leave a reply in British for you.
I expect that you’ll rebrand as “The Agitatour.”
Ha! Craig for the win.
What a minefield! “British” is becoming almost existential as a concept – and to Ken’s point, as a proud Scot, Brit and Kiwi, what accent is most appropriate for this new, monolith of an organization? So many questions…