Miracle on 34th Street – The Alternate Ending
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thousands of letters, all addressed to Santa Claus!
JUDGE: What do you have to say about all of this, Mr. Kringle?
KRINGLE: Your Honor, it started with one letter many years ago. It was to the guy who owned the place before I did, but it was a good cause, so I gave a gift. Well, it turns out once you donate once in the wrong guy’s envelope, every charity gets that information. I tried to correct them one at a time, but I would have had a better chance yelling at the tide not to come in.
JUDGE: But what about the sheer volume?
KRINGLE: Lemme tell you, your Honor – once you are on one list, you are on them all. It’s like these charities have some sort of collective of donors or something. And it turns out that when someone good asks me for a gift in December, I can’t help but make their dreams come true. (winks at the camera)
JUDGE: But these are postmarked February, June, August, and whatever. Do you only give in December?
KRINGLE: Yes, your honor. You’d think after over a thousand years of doing this they’d take a hint, but I’ve had just about as much success trying to take requests just in December as on the name thing.
JUDGE: This is sure a lot of paper. Wouldn’t it be easier if they emailed you? This is 2017, after all.
KRINGLE: Really? Then why are we in black and white? (rim shot)
I guess it’s because I started giving through the mail. Some email me in addition now, but no one emails me instead. It’s kinda sad; you give and give, but only a few of these folks ever get to know me.
JUDGE: So what do you do with all of these letters?
KRINGLE: Well, I haven’t had to pay for address labels in years, I can tell you that! I recycle most of them, but the ones from environmental charities, I throw away. When you’ve lived as long as I have, you have to take pleasure in irony.
JUDGE: Very well, then. I declare the defendant to be, for the purposes of charity mailings, Santa Claus on the condition that he removes these infernal missives from my desk. Court is adjourned.